So, I have been thinking about starting some kind of record of my feelings, experiences and rants during the pandemic. I have been anti social media for a few years, and feel this even more strongly now. I struggle with both wanting to connect with people on Facebook and Instagram and knowing that, especially in a time like this, the costs outweigh the benefits and my mental health loses out. So I have decided to keep a record on a blog on my website, rather than on social media. I can limit my time on facebook and I won't have this deep desire to keep checking to see who has commented or liked my post. Also this way when I decide it was a bad idea, I have some amount of control and I can just delete the blog and move on. Yet also knowing full well that when I run for mayor of the small town I am living in when I am 60, that these thoughts and rants will come back to haunt me and possibly ruin my otherwise spotless campaign. All of this to say, I may regret this, but I also feel as if I must move forward with it regardless of the risk.
Today I woke up in a rage, as I have for many of the mornings this month. I have been trying so diligently to make it through a meditation in the morning before looking at my phone or the news, it truly makes an incredible difference in my day. But today I just woke up angry, it was like waking up to a nightmare. I remember a few years ago when I dislocated my shoulder for the third time. Each day I would wake up afterwards and remember that I had been injured yet again and I was going to have to go through months of rehab yet again. Each morning I woke up was such a disappointment. It's like that feeling now but on steroids. I wake up and fear for my family and friends in Georgia, I wish I was in Georgia so I could help them, but then struggle with the idea of going because I am supposed to stay home and what if I expose someone on the way or once I arrive. I wake up livid because I know that my family is not the only family separated right now, and in fact, our administration has been separating families at the border for years. I wake up angry that people aren't taking the spread of this disease seriously, especially our administration. I wake up enraged that measures to lessen the extend of the spread of this pandemic were not put in place and rather were ignored or contradicted. I wake up and think what this would have been like if we had a competent and empathic leader. All of these thoughts and more were racing through my head this morning, and then I also thought, well we can complain about what we have for leadership, which is nothing, or wish we had something different, or we can make a difference in our own communities. So today I am going to sew face masks and donate all the safety glasses I can find in my shop.